The Asexuality Armadillo


Hello pups! I am the Asexuality Armadillo, here to be a lovely resource of all things asexual and aromantic! Things to find: advice, comics and all sorts of little goodies.
I'm also a big and cuddly Mammadillo, and am always here to love you and care about you!
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Hello Mammadillo! I feel that it's the right time to come out as asexual to my friends and family, but I have no idea how because they might think I'm confused with my sexuality. I mean, I've tried coming out to my friends in the past, but they've just said "Oh yeah, you'll find a sexual partner. Don't worry about it." It's quite frustrating knowing that somebody you're close to doesn't take your sexuality seriously. Thank you, Mammadillo! Xx

@Anonymous

Hello my brave little pup! I am so proud of the choice you have made, and deciding it was the right one for you!

Now, the best tool you have is information and preparation.

Asexuality is still new in the world of sexual orientations, they’ll have questions! Know a clear definition, know aspects and a couple of statistics - like the famous 1% one - and confidence is key. You need to be firm in case they brush it away, cut you off or disregard. This is who you are, don’t let them do it!

You can call a meeting or pass it in conversation (when appropriate of course) but it is up to you - there is technically no right time, just when you feel you need too. You can practice and it will make you feeling more confident.

I know the feeling when those closest don’t take it seriously, but be strong! People change all the time.

I have the utmost faith in you my darling! And remember: if you decide coming out isn’t the best option right now and decide not to, there is no shame, no failure. You decide your own pace. Good luck my little one!

1 week ago with 3 notes

Please give survivor-competent ace advice!

theaceupmysleeve:

queenieofaces:

Trigger warnings: It’s a sexual violence post again SORRY.  References to sexual violence, invalidation, erasure; respect your triggers.

Hey, if you’re a person who runs an ace advice blog and someone who has experienced sexual violence comes to your ask box, could you do me a favor and:

1. not tell them that they can’t be asexual because they’ve experienced sexual violence.  I’ve seen multiple advice blogs doing this, and it’s really not okay.

2. not tell them what their sexual orientation is.  That’s not okay, regardless of whether they’ve experienced sexual violence or not.

3. not tell them that they can identify as asexual now but imply that they will stop identifying as asexual later once they work through their issues.  Conditional acceptance is not acceptance.

4. not ask them whether they identified as asexual prior to trauma, with the loud implication that they only “count” as asexual if they did.  Conditional acceptance is not acceptance.

5. not state or imply that sex-repulsed ace survivors need to work through their issues for the sake of the community.  Conditional acceptance is not acceptance.

6. educate yourself on asexuality and sexual violence before you answer any more of those asks.  Don’t know where to start?  Here’s a good place!  Here’s another!  Here’s a series that covers a lot of the basics!

7. link them to resources for people who have experienced sexual assault.  Just in case you don’t have any links on hand: a list of resources for people who have experienced sexual violence, a list of hotlines, resources for male survivors, PTSD Puma’s self-help tag, resources for women who have been raped by women, and Pandora’s Project.  There’s also always resourcesforacesurvivors, which is probably a good place to send people if you don’t know how to answer the question!

It’s really important to support asexual spectrum folks who have experienced sexual violence, and a lot of folks go to ace advice blogs when they’re questioning, so if the ace advice folks could make sure that they’re giving survivor-competent advice, that would be awesome and I would be greatly appreciative.

This is real important. Thank you Queenie and thanks for a much more eloquent post than I am ever able to write.

2 weeks ago with 300 notes

Do you think a part of why people don't accept asexuality is because their concept of life/intimacy etc. is challenged? Or because they "fear the unknown" and therefore hate it?

@Anonymous

anagnori:

I think you’re partly right. “Partly,” because I’d like to expand on those reasons:

  1. Personal insecurity, followed by a desire to reassure yourself that the life choices you made were the right ones. Acknowledging that someone else can be smart, happy, moral, and fulfilled while being different from you brings up the question of whether your way is the right way. People don’t like this kind of self-doubt, so they invent excuses for why their lifestyle, choices, or identity are better than somebody else’s. Even for something like sexual orientation, which often isn’t considered a “choice,” this still happens.
  2. Instinctive dislike of new things, or a tendency to be contrary or stubborn. People like this hate it if they think you’re trying to sell them something, or telling them what to think. They’ll be more supportive if they feel like they discovered or learned about it on their terms. I know this impulse exists because I have it. I make a conscious effort to be open-minded, because otherwise my first instinct would always be “No, you’re wrong.” I don’t know how much “fear of the unknown” plays into it for other people, but for me at least, it’s more like “The unknown shouldn’t tell me what to do.”

I’d also add a few more:

  1. A “misfire” of empathy - the person wrongly assumes that their feelings and experiences are universal. ”I wouldn’t be happy if I never had sex again, so asexual people must not be happy either. I wouldn’t claim to be asexual unless I was lying, so other people who say they’re asexual must be lying, too.”
  2. An unwillingness to empathize with or listen to people. Sometimes this is understandable, especially if a person is feeling tired, hurt, upset, or wants to be left alone. But those are still not excuses for saying or doing bigoted things towards others. And some people are just jerks, too.
  3. Ulterior motives. A person who wants to think of you as straight probably won’t take it well if you tell them you’re not. A person who really wants grandkids will be upset if they think they might not get any. A parent who thinks it’s your religious duty to marry may find it sacrilegious if you want to stay unmarried. All of these things can overlap with why someone doesn’t want to accept asexuality as legitimate.
  4. A ripple effect from amatonormativity, misogyny, racism, transphobia, or homophobia. These prejudices tend to feed on and reinforce each other. A bigot who sees a resemblance (real or imagined) between asexuality and something they hate, will become hostile to asexuality, too.

This ain’t a complete list, it’s just the reasons that come to my mind right now.

2 weeks ago with 60 notes

Tagged: #asexuality

I am going to throw something out to you. I am a grey ace. Sex and romance repulse on a good amount of my days. I don't like it when sex and/or romance is the focus of any story or show. But, I have a sex drive and I have enjoyed sex before. Sometimes I see things like masturbation and sex as a chore to get my cravings to stop. Other times I might actually enjoy them a bit. How strange/rare is this in the ace community?

@Anonymous

According to the AAW census, 65% of asexuals, 51% of grey-As, and 37% of demisexuals are either “somewhat repulsed” or “completely repulsed.” also, according to AAW, only 1% of asexuals, 4% of grey-As, and 11% of demisexuals enjoy having sex.

You are not alone! Grey and demi are quite common because of the fluidity of human sexuality. This is your sexuality, your existence. It doesn’t need to be validated by anyone, not even me little pup.

It’s not uncommon to use masturbation as a tool in order to pass arousal or cravings, I have heard others use it. It is interesting how your asexuality fluxes - if you don’t mind me asking, is there a pattern? Do you menstruate, and maybe the disrupted hormonal balance is effecting it. 

Also, I am like you, I switch off when a show or movie is focusing on romance or sex. It just doesn’t interest me!

 

2 weeks ago with 1 note

I am not your dirty secret

queenieofaces:

This post has been cross-posted to The Asexual Agenda.

Content warnings: mentions of sexual violence, but no specifics

Fellow aces, we need to have a discussion about how we treat sex-averse and sex-repulsed aces.  Sex-repulsed and sex-averse aces are by no means a minority in the community—according to the AAW census, 65% of asexuals, 51% of grey-As, and 37% of demisexuals are either “somewhat repulsed” or “completely repulsed.”  And yet, as several people have pointed out recently, sex-repulsed and sex-averse aces are consistently viewed almost as a dirty secret the community should be ashamed of.”  This treatment of sex-repulsed aces goes hand in hand with a series of ideas: Being indifferent is the Real Way to be ace.  If you’re sex-repulsed, there’s something wrong with you, and you need to see a medical professional.  If you’re sex-repulsed because of experiences of trauma or sexual violence, then you definitely need to see a medical professional and sit down and shut up and stop making people think that you’re a “normal” ace.

A strange extension of this erasure and/or silencing of sex-repulsed aces is that aces who aren’t sex-repulsed are pressured into having sex by members of their own community.  It means that it’s significantly easier to find narratives from and advice for aces who have sex (and that’s just things I found in ~5 minutes of going through bookmarks) than it is to find personal narratives from aces who are sex-averse,* despite the fact that, according to the AAW census, only 1% of asexuals, 4% of grey-As, and 11% of demisexuals enjoy having sex.  (It’s slightly easier to find stuff about aros who don’t have sex and don’t want to have sex, probably because, as everyone knows, it’s totally 100% impossible to ever have a romantic relationship without The Sex.)  It means that people who seek out ace communities because they don’t want to have sex can feel alienated by their own communities.

Read More

2 weeks ago with 1,058 notes

Hi, um, I'm trying to figure out if I'm asexual and I was wondering if you could say how you knew you were asexual. As in, what questions did you ask yourself to know? Also, how did you differentiate aesthetic attraction from sexual or romantic attraction? It would really help me out.

@Anonymous

anagnori:

Well, I’m afraid there weren’t any questions that enabled me to know I was asexual. No matter what questions I asked, the self-doubt and uncertainty were still there. I tried analyzing my feelings, looking to identify any sexual attraction I’d felt toward other people, but that just made me start doubting whether I understood my feelings correctly.

But there are three things that did help me become certain:

  1. Reading everything I could find about asexuality, especially asexual people talking about their lives, and seeing how well I could relate to them. I also paid attention to what kind of asexuals I related to best—sex-repulsed celibate aromantics, it turns out. If you can find a segment of the asexual community that really resonates with you, then there’s a good chance you’re like them.
  2. Taking the label for a test-drive. I decided to try identifying as asexual, and thinking of myself as asexual, for six months. I promised myself that I would shove aside my self-doubts about it during those months. When the time was up, I’d re-evaluate whether the label still felt like it fit me, or if it didn’t, or if I needed more time to decide. The trial period helped me relax by saying I could deal with my uncertainty later, and as I got used to the label I became more confident in it.
  3. Focusing on the present. I decided that questions like “What if I’m too young?” “What if I haven’t met the right person yet?” and “What if I change my mind someday?” were completely irrelevant. Because all of those things depended on me waiting for a future that might never come—a future that was dependent on somebody else to define my sexual orientation for me. Why should my sexuality be defined by waiting? Why should I need somebody else to make decisions about my own identity? I decided that my past and present experiences were good enough, and that my current judgment was good enough. Identifying as “asexual” meant taking control of my identity instead of being stuck waiting forever.

(This is also how I became sure I was aromantic.)

Aesthetic attraction is a feeling of really appreciating how something looks. (Or sounds/feels, if you’re not visual-focused.) It’s much like looking at a painting or sculpture, and being enraptured by its beauty. You might want to just stand there and stare at it for a long time. When I’m aesthetically attracted to a person, I like seeing their face, but I don’t care about dating or touching them, or “want” anything from them. I just really like looking at them. (I don’t look for long ‘cause I don’t want to be creepy, though.)

For me, aesthetic attraction was unmistakeable. The moment I heard about it, I thought, “Oh, so THAT’S what that is!” It made sense to me intuitively and I could easily recognize it. I realized very fast that my past “crushes” were actually just aesthetic attraction, because it explained my feelings neatly. Of course, this is just my experience, and it may not be so clear-cut for you.

2 weeks ago with 60 notes

asexualityresources:

Asexuality World Festival 2014 stickers designed by Amy de Vos (asexualityresources.tumblr.com) (except for the last one which was designed by AVEN PT Aqua-ace)

Death to the rejection of asexual survivors of trauma. Death to this idea that asexuality should only be accepted if there’s no way of it being “worked through,” and the pervasive implication that having sex is part of a “fuller life”.

If you don’t accept the asexuality of survivors who identify as asexual, you are useless to us. If you don’t accept the right of survivors to identify as asexual even if they didn’t identify as asexual prior to their trauma, you are useless to us. If you don’t accept the right of survivors to self-determine how to identify, you are useless to us. If you don’t accept the right of all people, including people who don’t identify as asexual, to refuse sex, you are useless to us. If you only accept the asexuality of people who are “asexual by nature” but withhold the same acceptance from people who you suspect “merely” have “some underlying trauma” or “reservation” (???), you are useless to us.

Sex-repulsed survivors of trauma choosing to “work through those issues” is not something you should “hope for” as if it’s inherently better and the way things should be.

Death to the idea that survivors’ first priority should be achieving the ideal of a Normal Sex LifeTM.

- The Ace Theist (via resourcesforacesurvivors)

Reblogging this over here because HOLY FRIG THIS IS IMPORTANT.

(via queenieofaces)

2 weeks ago with 3,102 notes

asexuality as an lgbtqiia issue

theacemachine:

i mean, if you dont wanna call asexuality queer, fine (although 99% of the time, the reason people dont wanna call asexuality queer is because they believe we’re celibate heterosexual people…but thats another rant). but to deny asexuality as a lgbtqiia issue is asinine.
issues asexual folks face thats similar/same to other lgbtqiia groups:
-representation (or lack of)
-invasive and rude personal questions about your sexuality
-romanticization of our sexuality/ pressure to fit into allosexual gaze
-sexual assault/ sexual pressure (happens to heterosexual people, too, of course, but heterosexual people will never be told that their sexuality was caused by the sexual assault, or have their heterosexuality playing a large role in their sexual assault case)
-erasure
-fear of fitting into a stereotype (i will explain why this is an issue later)
-harassment of all types
-for women, death for saying no; for some women, ridicule, harassment or death for always saying no
-hiding in the closet/ coming out
-not being sure if a space is safe or not, or if space will accept you
-people changing their reactions or relationships with you when they find out your sexuality
-ridicule for sexuality
-the internet being the only safe space you have -institutional death or denial of institutions (i can explain this later; it works differently depending on romantic orientation as well) -suicide rate for your sexuality -complete dehumanization, especially for us who aren’t white, able-bodied, cis, or male
-pathologization/ needing to be “fixed”
^^And all this could happen, and for some folks, some of these things did happen, the minute or day they say “Im asexual, btw”.
so no, the a doesnt stand for ally.

3 weeks ago with 288 notes

Hey so this is the romantic orientation anon from earlier. Ok so I can picture myself dating people but once I really think about I don't really want to date people like I don't want to kiss and hug people, but I really want to hang out with them and go out and have fun. Is this aromatic or am I just really weird?

@Anonymous

Picturing yourself doing something doesn’t guarantee anything darling
I find myself sometimes doing it with sex but it’s purely for if I’m writing a scene or just curiosity.
Your legitimacy of aromanticism comes from you and your feelings
You might be sex-repulsed or something similar, I would look into it, research and find out
If you don’t experience romantic attraction then you’re aromantic, simplest as it can be
Thank you for asking! I hope you find what you’re looking for my aromantic pup!

PS I would check out the aromanticaardvark too

3 weeks ago with 1 note